Why I wrote my story.

My story and why I decided to finally write it. I can say right off that this is not the story of a heroine, because I am decidedly not such a person. There have been many memoirs written by women like myself, women of trans origin. I originally started putting words to my Pages app a few years ago, mostly because I needed to read my own words and work through my feelings and try and get a better understand of who I am.When I began to transition, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders because now everyone would know this secret I so jealously kept to myself for decades, I had outed myself knowing how it would deeply impact the rest of my life. I knew that I could not go back and I didn’t want to in any case, I just wanted to stop pretending to be someone I never had been. My life was hitting rock bottom, I had no desire to continue as I was, I could no longer endure this shadow life in which I existed only for the satisfaction of others.I did read a few memoirs by women like Jan Morris and Kate Bornstein and a few more, they were eye openers for me and I started to realize I wasn’t alone, that there was a community of people like myself. This brought me to search out a support group and I began attending weekly meetings in order to learn from my peers and figure out my next steps.It was a difficult road to be on, yet far from the horrible life I had lived up until then. I was finally coming into my own and I knew who I was, always did only now I was open about it and glad to have found the strength to come out and announce it to family and friends. I did lose many of them in the process and I’m ok with this since I could not continue otherwise. I came out in 1999, my youngest brother was my first supporter, we would go take small walks in the evening just so I could get used to this new outward presentation of myself. I will always be grateful to my young brother for his support when I needed it the most. I wrote my memoirs for two reasons, the first is because I absolutely needed to get all these emotions and trauma out in the open so as to better understand what it was I had gone through over all those years, I wanted to figure myself out and see the path I was on. The second reason came a little later on, once I had fully transitioned. I got involved in organizing outings with other women of trans origin, no matter where they were in their transitions or how they identified. We would meet up at a restaurant in Montreal’s Gay Village once or twice a month for coffee and this gave everyone the opportunity to be in public, to be out there, this lasted for about a year or so. I would also table at events like Community Day to help spread the word about trans people, giving out pamphlets to people passing by. I got involved in McGill university’s V-Day event at which I gave a lecture and tabled, Did something similar with Concordia university, collected tons of clothes and create a sale for trans people and later gave the remaining clothes to a women’s W. It was afterwards that I began to comprehend just how important it was to share this often hidden life to a larger audience. It took me a very long time to come out and more years before I was ready to write down my story. I had managed to write some bits and pieces about my life over the years though nothing cohesive. Around the beginning of this year ( 2020 ) I decided it was time and I got down to it and because I just about the luckiest person in the universe, I came across a wonderful writer who not only understood me but knew how to turn my writing into something worth reading. And this is when I knew the second reason, it was to help others who were living something similar to me, maybe they were struggling in their transition I what I had to share could be helpful if only to highlight what not to do. So, here I am hoping that people who read my book will find solace and empowerment, that they will see that they are not alone, help is out there and people can be good. I write my memoirs because I want every person who identifies as trans to know that they are valid, their lives matter and that they can be loved. I know because I walked that path and there is life afterwards, do not give up, do not listen to naysayers, live your authentic selves, it’s the key to happiness. Today I can say that I am a woman because that is my identity though for others in transition, they may have their own pronouns and this is also something to celebrate and cherish. I recognize myself now after being invisible for forty five years and I hope this will be of help to whomever needs it.

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