Coming to grips with me.
As many humans, I have this tendency of not really seeing or fully acknowledging my worth, I am self-deprecating and don’t always understand that who and what I am has value, is valuable. Being an artist, I’ve created so many paintings over the years and though I know I’m pretty good at what I do, more often than not I find I’m not good enough, not creatively or technically, I seem to judge what I’ve created as somehow of lesser value than it is. I am catching myself, trying to not be so harsh on what and who I am, this is a work in progress.
Even as a child, I did this to myself, probably brought on by how I am. Being born different and not understanding until later on in life came with the burden of self-isolation from others for fear they would notice. This secret I used to keep, about being stuck in a body that just didn’t fit with my mind, my sense of how my gender identity and expression was at odds with my body. This fact and that my reaction to it which was to invalidate and put myself down in any and all aspects of my life has been, to put it mildly, exhausting and dare I say, depressing.
Being a paintress did help me survive the rougher periods of my life before transition, it allowed me to escape for short periods, to set aside my slow and ever growing clarity about who I am, a woman of trans origin. My sense of self was at best, rocky, unstable even. It took me being at the end of my rope to finally decide to begin transitioning even if I thought it was to no use since I could never afford the costs of such a transition, so I was allowing myself the sweet moments of assuming my identity as I imagined I wouldn’t last long before giving up on this life of mine. Mental fatigue, exhaustion had set in.
Then I met the most extraordinary person, Dany who showed me I could be loved, that things weren’t at an end, not even close. I did get to transition, to be me at long last, my happiness grew and flourished so much that it was at times, overwhelming. I just wasn’t used to this kind of sense of fitting in in terms of my body, my gender identity and expression, as an artist, as a woman in love. I find myself less inclined at putting myself down, though I still do it, only maybe not as intensely. I still paint some but of late, I have been busy writing about my life and adventures, my transition and how it has impacted every nook and cranny of my life since childhood.
I guess what I wanted to share with you is that we never really know what might be around the corner and if we hang around just a little longer, who knows what will come. I embrace my trans origins, I am a woman, an artist with a decent amount of talent and know how, and I’ve so many friends and wonderful acquaintances, am married to the best wife for me, surrounded by our cats and living in our house in the countryside.
I’m hoping to share, through my memoirs and eventual art book, how things were for me and how in spite of my doubts and fears, I was able to finally come into my own at long long last. Be kind to yourselves and know that you are loved and that there is room for you always.
Breaking Free: 45 years In The Wrong Body